Brownies: As Written by Derranged Elitist Food Writer

Brownies

Preheat oven to 450 degrees

5 oz unsweetened chocolate
2/3 c butter
1 T instant coffee
4 eggs
1/2 t salt
2 cups sugar (why are you looking at me like that?)
1 t homemade vanilla extract
1/4 t almond extract
1 c sifted all-purpose flour
10 ounces walnut pieces

First, select for yourself premium cocoa powder. We prefer Scharffen Berger "Pure Dark Chocolate". It can be mail ordered from the San Francisco seller for the price of a small cow, but lesser chocolates are not for you. Melt your organic sweet cream unsalted butter in a sturdy, stainless steel double broiler and gently whisk in your fresh cocoa powder until you get a smooth, dark blend. When these have melted together, you may add your coffee granules. We recommend that you avoid the national brands and opt for Cafe Don Jose, which can be found at the Coffee Roaster's Association in New York. You will avoid any unpleasant bitterness and add a full bodied, roasted flavor. There really is no substitute. After this is complete, you may set the mixture aside to cool.

After this is complete, crack your farm fresh, free range eggs into a small stainless steel bowl. Be careful to gently slide the yolks into the bowl wtihout disturbing the integrity of the yolk. Add the sea salt and, using a manual egg beater, blend until slightly fluffy. Gradually add the two cups of Organic Cane Juice crystals, or plain sugar--though you risk over sweetening your brownies!--and beat for about 15 minutes until the golden mixture forms delicate ribbons when beaters are raised. Transfer to another bowl.

Add vanilla and almond extracts to cooled chocolate. Slowly blend the chocolate with the eggs, scraping bowl with a wooden spoon to avoid shocking your batter with the cold harshness of metal. Stir ONLY ENOUGH TO BLEND. Stirring SLOWLY, add your flour. Any flour will do--it is not the star of this show--and mix ONLY ENOUGH TO BLEND, you FOOL! and then you may fold in your nuts.

Remember to use fresh nuts, even if you must scoop them out of a squirrel's nest, cracking them on a wooden board. Gently mix them into your batter, stirring as though you were turning an infant over in her sleep. The batter may be heavy and thick, but the benefits of hand mixing far and away out weigh the challenges presented in mixing ten pounds of uncooked brownies manually.

Spread batter into prepared 10"x18"x1.5" jelly roll pan and place into preheated oven. At this point you must IMMEDIATELY reduce oven temperature to 375 degrees and cook for 22 minutes. Test with a toothpick inserted near the heart of your brownies. It should just barely come out dry. DO NOT OVERBAKE. BROWNIES SHOULD BE MOIST!!!

Remove from oven. Eat brownies at once. They do not keep.