It's a new year, as you know, and I have to say that I've never been so glad to wave good-bye to an old year as I was this time around. 2008 kicked me in the mouth and handed me my teeth in a cup. All I can say is good riddance. I spent the second half of the year in the hospital, either in a bed myself or next to an isolette. I bounce back from a lot of things pretty quickly, but I confess that this has left me reeling.
It is hard to explain concisely, in writing, how I feel about what happened this summer. It's the sort of thing that takes an evening, over coffee, with many, many words to talk about. It's the kind of thing that only your best friends will patiently hear.
After some time, I'm sure I'll be fine again. In in middle of all of it, though, I suppose I just feel very lucky. I don't know why such frightening and difficult things should happen to me and I don't know why I should be so lucky as to be spared the worst of it. I went into the hospital in July thinking that I was going to loose my baby. Instead, by a miracle I can't explain, this baby held on for an amazing six and a half weeks and lived. It wasn't a nice way to have a baby, but I think I'll take what I get and be happy.
There were many moms on my unit in the hospital who weren't so fortunate. I don't know why I was spared that grief. After looking that loss full in the face, I can still barely catch my breath. It's like being snatched back to the sidewalk after stepping in front of a speeding truck. Call me a coward if you like, but I don't think I'll try it again.
This past year tried my limits and pushed me to the edge. I want to settle back into peace again and feel only the gratitude that comes with mercy. It will take time. I know that there are things you cannot rush and that it is God who brings healing. I'm so thankful to have these little smiles to help.